In My Dreams I Flee
Below is a sketch inspired by the the Hays' ADDRESSING Model (Hays 2008). The sketch depicts my Irish roots, 90's childhood, Southern Christian Upbringing, and artistic inclinations. I also explore those factors in detail in this post. Exploring first the roots of a tree from a Tree of Life symbology, I drew myself asleep and dreaming. Nighttime held the container for my spiritual awakening symptoms until the most recent of years. Contact with the spiritual world as well as generational and this life's trauma would surface nightly. Without any parental or outside guidance to manage my dream world, my young self turned inward to processing the meanings and experiences.
The picture above depicts some generation influences including the Challenger explosion and 9-11 tragedies. I included those in this picture as they represent my disassociation with those events as well as my curiosity about how they define some of the questions and doubts I hold about the official, Americanized narratives of historical and current affairs that have been taught and shown to me as a child growing up with private school, conservative edited text books. If I look around at myself and peers today in curiosity as we are still being fed narratives but now through algorithms on our screens according to our "likes" and "dislikes."
Growing up in the late eighties and nineties, Disney was an escapism that was very timely for my generation. A mickey mouse symbol was placed in the picture to depict this aspect. I remember going to the Toy Story movie around 1997 with my parents and being surprised afterwards when my dad expressed he didn't relate well to animated features. I was shocked. I remember that moment as being an important awareness of our generational differences. For all the old soulness I carried even then - knowing who figures like Tommy Dorsey or Mel Torme as if I was around my grandparent's during the 40s - still I cannot separate myself from the magic of Disney and it's spell over my young, escapist, consumer in training mind.
Around 8 or 9 I was diagnosed with ADD. I was put on Ritalin. I never felt the struggle of "having ADD" at that time except the shame of being on of those Dixie cup kids at lunchtime. Their was also an isolation of being seen as needing tutoring, extra help or time on tests, having teachers meet about me after school to talk bout my work and if I was progressing. In a crook of the tree I include a pill bottle and pills.
Raised fundamental yet categorically non-denominational Christian, I am now a New Age Christian Universality...for the moment. I want to continue my spiritual studies to become a spiritual healer and chaplain of some kind.
The drawing reveals a stained glass window that reminds me of the windows of my church growing up. I draw a line into the future from the corner of the window. This line represents my continual unraveling of my Protestant Christian heritage - even my Conly ancestors from Northern Ireland were decidedly Protestant as opposed to some of their fellow Catholic Irish brethren and extended family. This unraveling extends to the future as I continue to inquire where my spirituality will take me and what purpose it serves in my greater callings in this life and beyond.
Other aspects I've included are the New York City skyline - my spiritual home. Though I was born in Little Rock, Arkansas. Moving to NYC at 22 was the boldest and most progressive move I could have made at the time, and in comparison to the choices of my parents and grandparents. The role of NYC in my family line is an entire project in of itself - holding many ideologies and meanings. From my socialite grandmother who found herself invited to live in one of the most respectable hotels for girls in the late forties along Park Avenue, who dreamed of going to secretary school and living an NYC dream, to my father who was too young to be part of the hippie movement but too old to run away and join the circus of some Greenwich Village existence with folk artists and philosophers. My other grandmother swears that the wig department in Macys on 34th street is the only department store she'll go in a buy a wig from. My mother got her master's in acting and loves Broadway musicals. My uncle moved to the city before me to pursue his acting career and is still an working actor there. I moved for all the reasons I mentioned before and so many other instinctive reasons I still can't fully articulate. I just knew it was the only place in the world where I could be truly free. For some reason, it was in my blood. Of course, I did complete and make some of my own soul contracts and connections because of NYC, as well as meeting my soul partner, Daniel.
Here we are they day we were engaged in Central Park, at the same spot we first met.
Here are some of my dear collaborators from my folk music adaptation of Twelfth Night.
Here are two of my sweet kids I nannied. They were angels of purpose and growth during my time in the city.
When I chose CIIS over NYU my parents had almost nothing to say in response. My mother still interjects to tell people I got into NYU. The chapter CIIS presents for me is unlike any chapter I had imagined for myself, but is the most crucial of my life other than the gift of 8 years I was given of discovery in NYC. Now, it is time to understand and let go of the vicarious living others did through my time in NYC so that I can understand where and if it holds a place in my authentic story - or was it just part of my generational heritage expressing itself.
Perhaps there is a link between this heritage and my dreams of having to run away from some unknown enemy through the night, grabbing all I can carry and running through the woods. Perhaps that is another life I'm witnessing entirely, or lives, or just my subconscious at play and work with it's self. Either way, these dreams became the first imagery I found in the journey of unraveling this project that helped get me started. These dreams are ironically the aspect of my mental health most healed in resent years and days, as I work through more and more traumas and address more of my personal truths and meanings to myself and others.